It's the PD...

I had an interesting conversation with the hubs last night and I wanted to share. We were talking about how I would ask him to do something around the house or related to the kids and if he said he couldn't do it (because of PD), then I would get upset and annoyed. He would then feel badly for not being able to do that thing and then also get annoyed back at me for being annoyed, thinking that I assum

ed he was just being lazy. I would then get annoyed for him being annoyed that I was annoyed. See where this is going? Not good.

It was hard for me to put into words, at the time, how I was feeling so my only reaction was frustration and irritation. It took years of self-reflection for me to able to identify and explain the 'why' I reacted how I did.

It was not that that 'thing' was not being done by him. It was that I felt so frustrated (and angry) that the thing that was ultimately to blame was something that was completely out of our control. My control. I like things in control. I like to control things. Now I sound pathologic, but I'm not, I swear. It's just that I like reasons and solutions and with PD, there just isn't one at every twist and turn. Especially when, dammit, something just needs to get done, and I will just have to do it. I don't even mind doing it myself (ahem, control), but it's just that it's one more thing for me to do.

I know it's hard having PD and then having to use PD as the reason why my husband can't help me as much as he wants. I know it is and I know he wants to do more. I feel grateful he is able to do what he can whenever he can. I really am. It's just that I really dislike having PD as the reason that I can't do what I need to do and that's the plain truth.

I wish we could go back and just handle those situations in some traditionally grown-up manner but at this point, I just look at him (not annoyed or upset) and say, "PD sucks". It just sucks and there's nothing either of us could do about it in that precise moment, so let's take a moment, acknowledge its suckiness and move on.

Life has been more peaceful as I've been able to understand and accept my own feelings both in our marriage and in my own internal dialogues I have with myself. Sometimes, I get almost 'jealous' when my friends complain about their husbands being lazy and squirreling away in their man caves all day. I wish I could have such a mundane problem. Sigh.

Here's to you,

Chaitanya